Away Day Diary: Grimsby Town 1-3 Maidenhead United (07/05/22)

 Fancy Dresslemania XX

Given that [1] Macleod (M) and I had already stayed over in Cleethorpes (with Will H, after the Magpies' narrow FA Trophy defeat to the Mariners in January 2014), and [2] it's a pain in the backside to get to, this would *not* have been my handpicked location for the twentieth instalment of our storied end-of-season tradition; Chorley (scheduled for 2020; ultimately cancelled) would have been preferable, if not Boreham Wood (scheduled for 2021; ultimately home fans only)

Rather than walk into town – on Friday afternoon – and catch the 12:54 (as suggested by Trainline), Macleod (M) and I got a lift from Macleod (P) and met with Macleod (C) in time for the 12:25; after a couple of eye-wateringly expensive rounds in the Parcel Yard at King's Cross, we were seated expectantly on the 14:30 (to Edinburgh), trying to work out the Magpies' overall Fancy Dresslemania record

Into Newark Northgate on time (15:44), we met outside the station with Shay (who'd been on the same train as us) and walked the 15 or so minutes to the Castle Barge; after a couple of pints there (Lincoln Green; meh), we made our way to nearby Newark Castle station – only stopping for some quick #yeractualcultureinnit photos of, erm, Newark Castle – to catch the 17:01 to Grimsby, which consisted of two carriages and was packed with passengers (including – partway through the journey – inebriated Market Rasen racegoers singing Sweet Caroline on repeat)

Marked difference in the weather – drizzling and cold – as we disembarked and made our way to check-in at the Holiday Inn Express (bumping into Emile Acquah and his brother, who were staying on the same floor as us!); after a quick drink in our second barge of the day, we wolfed down a McDonald's (needs must) on the station platform and met with Mushroom – and, because of a cancelled train, squeezed in a couple of rounds in Wetherspoons – before hitting the bright lights of Cleethorpes

 

Shay brought the average age down significantly in No. 2, immediately off the train, before a subsequent pub crawl that went as follows: No. 1 (once we'd worked out how to get in ... there were no handles on the main door! [Paulo Dybala on the scoresheet for Juventus in their 2-1 defeat at Genoa reminded me of an interesting bit of trivia, which Shay later put to good use]); Willy's (a nudge that Willie T had swerved this trip – the first Fancy Dresslemania he'd missed – in the [ultimately forlorn] hope/ expectation of seeing Exeter City win their first league title since 1990); Studio (after deciding against the Nottingham House; lots of silly-coloured drinks for £2 a pop; no girl-on-girl head-butt on this occasion); Swashbuckle Tavern (great fun, like last time, despite the DJ not playing 'You Win Again' by the Bee Gees); and an unnecessary final round – at 'stupid o' clock' – for Macleod (C) and me in the Dolphin & Beach Bar (from where yours truly thought it would be a good idea to walk back to Grimsby!)

By happy coincidence, I made it to the hotel just as the Macleods were eating breakfast! After two helpings of bacon and scrambled eggs, and the briefest of lie-downs on the bed followed by showers, it was on with our costumes (Carlos Valderrama, Homer Simpson, and Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III [on the shoulders of Boris Johnson]), some quick photos (uploaded to various social media sites), and off to catch the 10:42 train to the seaside (again)

You might be unsurprised to learn that we didn't make it past No. 2 (decent, but most importantly nearest), where we stayed (despite having two other designated away pubs, according to the police officers who said hello!), joined by a whole host of other characters (including but not limited to): Evel Knievel David Bowie Elvis Presley, Moscow from Money Heist, Luke the Leprechaun, Logic the Lobster, Roman Emperor Rainey, Section Commander Maurice of the Home Guard, Cardinal Les, Scooby-Doo, a Maidenhead United legend Shrek, Aquaman, Del Boy, an extravagantly-coiffured cheerleader, Hiawatha, two Mexicans, and Solihull Steve dressed as Solihull Steve

The walk to the ground was a memorable one (along the beach and then across a railway bridge), and not even Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III (on the shoulders of Boris Johnson)'s flags being denied entry (because the away end is kindling or summat) could scupper a party atmosphere (yet more fancy dressers, various inflatables, etc.) that went up several notches still further when Luke Waterfall had two minutes (if that – 11 seconds of playing time, according to the highlights on BT Sport) to forget: an own goal (his second in as many games, apparently), then sent off for a professional foul (with the subsequent penalty duly dispatched by Sam Barratt)

Our voices were already hoarse (and stomachs likely permanently creased with laughter) when Ryan Upward added a 68th-minute third for the Magpies to compound the misery for a shell-shocked home crowd; after saying goodbyes at the final whistle to the friendly police officers (happy keen to pose for photos), we walked the way we had come and made ourselves comfortable again outside No. 2 (more photos; more pints of Carling Black [Fruits] Cider; more fool anyone who doubted Bristol Rovers!)

We eventually went our separate ways from there: Carlos Valderrama, Homer Simpson, Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III (on the shoulders of Boris Johnson), and Evel Knievel David Bowie Elvis Presley were on the 18:39 train from Grimsby to Lincoln (ft. a supermarket sweep in Tesco Express, where an elderly lady was adamant that Valderrama's head of hair was real ... but that his moustache was definitely fake!) and made it back to Maidenhead shortly after midnight – it had been a very long and tiring but enjoyable day (with my watch indicating that I'd walked nearly 21 miles!)

Not gonna lie, this season has been a grind at times (expensive and time-consuming), but days like Saturday (and King's Lynn in February) help you forget about all of that; well done to Alan Devonshire (I love the smile on his face and his reply when asked about the fans in the on-field post-match interview), the players and the coaching staff/ match-day team, plus all of the supporters who made countless long trips to cheer on the Magpies, not least those who went to #FDXX in North East Lincolnshire ('Bonus points if you're a fancy dresser')

(BBC report; match highlights)

Meanwhile in Cleethorpes, Homer Simpson is chasing Carlos Valderrama down the beach pic.twitter.com/EacmpqmHRE

— Shay Bottomley 🇺🇦 (@ShayBottomley) May 7, 2022

Away Day Diary: Grimsby Town 2-1 Maidenhead United (11/01/14)

^^^ Maidenhead's reward, following blog-worthy wins at Daventry Town and Barrow (in addition to an earlier victory at Eastbourne Borough), was a trip to Blundell Park to play Grimsby Town (presently of the Conference Premier but previously a Football League side for 117 years).

Some of us would be staying over after this massive game (Aldershot Town at home in the FA Cup? Pah!), and I posted on the Conference Premier forum in the run-up, asking for recommendations. 'Don't go to Grimsby,' was the most common response. Fortunately, Grimsby Town plays in Cleethorpes, and we'd be spending the vast majority of our time by the seaside.

Macleod (M) - who had treated Macleod (P) to Rochdale vs Leeds United the previous Saturday - would comment, on the way up, that he wasn't particularly familiar with the area. Les and I, in contrast, were relative experts, having spent varying lengths of time enrolled at the University of Hull. Many a Saturday afternoon/ Tuesday night during the 2000/01 season would see us attend the now-demolished Boothferry Park to watch the Tigers in Football League Div 3 action.

The Soccerbase website lists Hull City, with the little 'n' large pairing of Rodney Rowe and Kevin Francis up front, losing 2-0 at Lincoln City (more on them later) on Saturday, 13th January 2001. Grimsby Town, meanwhile, lost 3-1 at home - in Football League Div 1 - to a Crewe Alexandra side featuring future Magpie Ade Bankole and Dean Ashton (who is co-commentating on a Serie A game, live on BT Sport, as I write).

Fast forward 13 years - almost to the day - and Hull City's Boothferry Park replacement would be hosting Chelsea in the Premiership, live on BT Sport, as Grimsby Town prepared to take on Maidenhead United in the FA Trophy.

Crazy stuff.

On the subject of crazy ...

^^^ Macleod (M) and I got a ridiculously early train from Maidenhead (even earlier than the one we got to Berwick-upon-Tweed a few years ago!).

^^^ I don't know what Chewy 'the Basingstoke Town fan' was doing up so early. Perhaps he couldn't sleep, with excitement, ahead of their home league encounter with Bath City (which, incidentally, finished goalless) ;-)

^^^ A-ha! After a McDonald's breakfast at King's Cross, we met with Les in good time for the 08:03 to Newark Northgate (where the above photo was taken). Shortly after we departed from the London terminus, Macleod (C) texted to say that he'd overslept - following a no-doubt riotous leaving do for a friend at work - so would miss his scheduled flight from Dublin. Apparently, the next one wouldn't see him arrive at Cleethorpes until the early hours of Sunday. No deal. A real shame ... and something that he'll have to live with.

^^^ It took us as long to get from Newark to Grimsby as it did to get from London to Newark ... or, at least, it certainly felt that way. The very cramped seating probably didn't help. 

We spent a lot of time on this leg of the journey, chatting with a Lincoln City fan from Devon. He was en route, via an overnight stay in London, to their home tie with another team that Les and I had watched, on occasions, during our student days: moneybags North Ferriby United. Richard Pacquette's name cropped up in conversation, having played for both the Imps and the Magpies. I'm disappointed that I forgot about Udo Onwere! 

We had to shield our eyes from the bright sunshine as we passed places we'd heard of (Market Rasen) and others we hadn't (Barnetby). I 'kicked things off', meanwhile, by inadvertently tripping a Grimsby Town fan!

^^^ We arrived at Grimsby Town station just after 11am. Macleod (M) and I were permitted an early check-in. Our hotel was functional, ideally located (only a few minutes away from the station), and overlooked Grimsby Minster. We decided against trying one of the many pubs between the hotel and the station and instead took the short train ride straight to Cleethorpes.

^^^ What is it that they say about first impressions?

^^^ Carl Taylor- made fun!

^^^ The beach and the pier. Latter didn't have a pub on it, which was a shame, so we headed inland. 'We' now included Magpie-in-Northern-Exile Keith, who had travelled from Cottingham and bumped into us outside the pier entrance.

^^^ Pub number 1 was the Swashbuckle Tavern, or Swashbuckle Joe's as we would later christen it. The hardcore pissheads amongst us, you see, would end up back in this galleon-themed boozer much later in the day.

^^^ Previous visitors to this place have included Steffi Graf and the Williams sisters. Clearly. In tribute, I attempted to find 'Venus & Serena' by Super Furry Animals on the jukebox. No such luck; I had to make do with 'Venus' by Bananarama. The bass was way too high. Drinks, though, were dirt cheap. Indeed, the most expensive four-drink round of the day came in the subsequent bar: the rather swish Harvey's. Two pints of Guinness and two pints of Tiger? £11. Wowzers! Sheffield Wednesday vs Leeds United was on TV. Macleod (M)'s boys were three goals and one man down when we left, just after half-time. 

^^^ We met with the stragglers - some of whom had come on a later train, others on the subsidised supporters' coach - in the Fiddler, on the main market square. This place had a vending machine selling inflatable guitars for £4, which was quite the bargain. In addition to the aforementioned Hull City vs Chelsea game, the Wednesday vs Leeds match was also showing. Check out Macleod (M)'s face! I think it was only 4-0 at this stage as well! Hats off to Mr Logic for taking this photo. It would be a 20-minute walk along the A180/ Grimsby Road to the ground. All bar Macleod (M), Les and I left in good time for kick-off ...

^^^ Macleod (M) needed cheering up - after the Leeds result - and this art deco fancy dress shop on the corner of Isaac's Hill/ Clee Road did the job.

^^^ Macleod (M) and I had wisely decided against a carry-out on the train, and I didn't think we were 'tipsy' - in the slightest - at this point. Although, in hindsight, you have to wonder ...

^^^ Re-assuring to know that we were, at least, headed in the right direction.

^^^ Macleod (M) photographed outside a sex shop = 25 iSpy away day points. 

^^^ Main stand. Rather impressive, at least in terms of size.

^^^ The match - which had already kicked off - was being shown on TV in the Ticket Office. We asked if we could watch it from there, but eventually, they pulled the shutters down on us. The Mercedes is NOT Drax's latest company car. Repeat, the Mercedes is NOT Drax's latest company car. At least, I don't think it is ... 

^^^ Escorted to the away end.

^^^ Obligatory corner flag shot. With an added background bonus of (proper) floodlight and ball in orbit (mid-hoof).

^^^ As if we would even consider it!

^^^ First-half match action. (Sort of.) As you can see, the Magpies were in their Farnborough Town kit. The home side - wearing black, white, and red - took the lead shortly after this photo was taken (35 minutes or so into the game). One Maidenhead fan - stood in front of me - started to celebrate before realising that we'd conceded, not scored! To save his blushes, he shall remain nameless. ;-) Grimsby added another before the break, and I tweeted that it was 'make your own fun' time, thinking that the game was all but over ...

^^^ Half-time. Most of the travelling hordes went to the away supporters' bar - pretty basic, apparently - beneath the stand. Macleod (M) and I didn't. #contrary

^^^ Flags 'R' Us. The away end wasn't quite wide enough to fit in all of the black and white one!

^^^ Second-half match action. I'm not sure whether there was a significant slope on this pitch. Or there was a strong wind blowing towards the away fans (housed behind the goal the Magpies were now attacking). Or Grimsby took their foot off the gas. Maybe Drax gave the half-time team talk of his life. But, for whatever reason, we were soon as dominant as Grimsby had been in the first period. Reece Tison-Lascaris halved the deficit with a bobbled long-distance shot, and Maidenhead seemingly had corner after corner after corner. If we had equalised - and we came close during a couple of goalmouth scrambles - then we could conceivably have gone on to win. Alas, we ran out of steam near the end, and Elvijs Putnins was again the busier keeper as the final whistle approached. The supporters - a Grimsby fan in the pub afterwards reckoned we officially numbered 56 in the away end - took up the slack and proudly belted out a 10-minute-long 'Johnson Hippolyte's Black & White Army'.

^^^ Applause from the players. The teenage oiks in the stand to our right also applauded us. Fair play.

^^^ Thumbs up from the stewards. Later on, we bumped into one of them - he was working the doors in town. 'Don't go into the Imperial - it's not safe for away supporters,' they advised. After dropping the flag bag on the supporters' coach, we headed straight for the Imperial. Now, our team had lost - and we're not Luton Town, for example - but it seemed OK to me. Its reputation is, however, seemingly justified.

^^^ Les headed to his hotel - the Premier Inn in Grimsby - as Macleod (M), Will H., and I left the Imperial and started the walk back into Cleethorpes town centre. After stopping for this photo - and then an unremarkable fish & chip supper in a glorified kebab house - we passed a brick wall with a door sandwiched between the assorted shopfronts. 'New Imperial Social Club' read an inconspicuous sign. It was a working men's club or something similar. Should we go in? What would Merthyr Tydfil do? 

^^^ 'Sorry, members-only,' said the woman behind the bar, in what resembled someone's living room. As we retreated, a bloke sitting in the corner asked if we were Maidenhead fans. After confirming that we were, he offered to sign us in. £1 each. I gave 'Johnson Hippolyte' as my name, even spelling it out. We only stayed for one - I got a distinct impression that we were imposing, somewhat - but it was good fun chatting to the locals here (at least those not glued to the Man United vs Swansea game on TV). Many were Grimsby season ticket holders in attendance at Blundell Park that afternoon. They were delighted by Lincoln's 4-0 home defeat. 'I want North Ferriby in the next round,' said one, 'so we can put those upstarts in their place'. They were equally pleased by Cambridge United's draw with Luton (Alex Wall had scored), as it meant that two of their promotion rivals faced an unwanted replay. A return to the Football League, rather than cup success, remains their priority. I wish them all the best.

^^^ We headed back to the main market square - as advised by the good folk in the New Imperial - and started on the silly-coloured drinks (various flavours). The subsequent bar crawl took us to: Teddy's (rubbish, save for the drum 'n' bass mix that the dreadlocked barman was blasting out from his iPod); Bar Babylon (not much better); the Fiddler (did I mention the vending machine selling inflatable guitars?); then the Studio (where the above photo was taken). The drinks here were £2 a bottle and, aside from a couple of underage oiks, we were about the only blokes in there! The dance floor was chock-full of women ... well, I say women, but most of them were at least 12 years younger than me! You know you're getting old when you encounter a score of females wearing, essentially, negligees and the phrase that springs immediately to mind is 'catch your death of cold' :-O

^^^ Will H. outside (Michael) Malcolm's shortly after leaving the Studio. Reportedly Maidenhead's highest-paid player EVER (really?!), Malcolm has since departed the club by 'mutual consent'. Banjo. Cow's arse. Hit. Couldn't. Yet more females were queuing to get into the Studio as we departed, and one girl took a sprinted run-up before full-on head-butting another (who barely flinched). Not exactly the girl-on-girl action one might hope for ...

^^^ Back to Swashbuckle Joe's. Again, the men were outnumbered massively by the 'fairer' sex. But at least most of these women were born when Oasis released their debut album! The gentleman above was from Norn Iron. 'Whereabouts?' I asked. 'Londonderry,' he replied. 'Derry?' I teased. 'Londonderry,' he reiterated. The orange trackie top and Rangers wristband were pretty big clues to his orientation.

^^^ On the subject of orientation, the above 37-year-old - it was her birthday - and her party were seemingly convinced that I was gay. I really don't know what gave her/ them that impression, fondness for silly-coloured drinks and 'pushing people out of the way to get to the dance floor for the Madonna medley' notwithstanding. 'Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep ... '

^^^ View from the hotel window, the morning after. #yeractualcultureinnit

^^^ Macleod (M) ponders which mansion to buy on his credit card. After this photo was taken, we would have our second McDonald's breakfast of the weekend - all I could taste was sugar - before meeting with Les at the station for the 11:34 departure (changing at Donny, not Scunny, thank goodness, for Lonny).

We were sat next to a friendly 25-year-old brunette from Yarm, near Middlesbrough, who was moving to the Big Smoke to start a new career in HR (I know, I know ... but she really was friendly; even insisting that we share a Terry's chocolate orange leftover from Christmas). 

Macleod (M) - the gentleman he is - helped carry her (massive) case at King's Cross. She was headed for Putney initially and apparently wants to settle in Clapham. If so, I'll probably bump into her in the Northcote when celebrating Bruno's birthday on/ around St Paddy's Day in March. (We seemingly ALWAYS bump into random people we know there; last year, it was an old Uni housemate whom we hadn't seen for nearly a decade). Come that time, after only a few months in London, her affable nature will surely be a thing of the past! ;-)

Speaking of March, we have a trip to Edinburgh (taking in the Shire vs Clyde and Hearts vs Hibs) diarised for the end of that month. If those two games are half as good as recent visits Oop North, to Barrow and Grimsby, I'll be happy enough.

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