In August 2010 three Maidenhead United fans were banned from attending home games, by a kangaroo court, for crimes they didn't commit.
These men promptly encountered a jobsworth security blockade, and so escaped to the non-league underground.
Today, still stigmatised by the MUFC Ltd hierarchy, they survive as supporters of fancy.
If you enjoy a train away day - and if you can find them - then maybe you can share a drink with ... the K-team!

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Away Day Diary: Billericay Town 1-0 Maidenhead United (27/04/13)

Fancy Dresslemania XIII

^^^ "He does what he wants"

There was a moment yesterday, as we walked in light rain from Lancaster Gate to Paddington, when I remarked to Macleod (M) that it'd been another great day out in fancy dress. "Meh" was his (paraphrased) response. I was somewhat surprised by this but, on reflection, I understand what he was getting at. After 13 consecutive years of going in costume, to the last away game of the season, it is hard not to become a little blasé; engulfed by a sense of 'seen-it-all-before' complacency. 

We really shouldn't take things for granted, though.

Did we have a great day? Absolutely.

Did the KSG excel themselves with their costumes? Of course.

Could I have written this blog post in advance? Pretty much.

Is the Pope Catholic?

Do bears sh!t in the woods?

Does the Maidenhead United chairman know his football?


Here goes nothing ...

^^^ Not unike last year, an early start meant that we gave the 'walk of shame' a miss. Another tradition was maintained, however, as Macleod (C) Hulk Hogan posed in front of the Three billboard outside Maidenhead train station (other mobile network providers are available). No sign of the LCG. Poor show.

^^^ Mama Weer All Crazee Now

^^^ More than 10 'likes' on Facebook in as many minutes. Very niiice!

^^^ Prior to a journey on the Bakerloo line (the Circle - you won't be surprised to learn - wasn't running) we spotted the Stig, a Mexican and a Sheik at Ealing Broadway, seemingly accompanying a group of replica shirt-wearing Hayes & Yeading fans to their game at Hornchurch. I have since read about Dover fans conga'ing in fancy dress at Bromley. Good on them (and that's not meant to sound condescending ... OK, maybe it is ... just a little!)

^^^ Beers at Hamilton Hall, the Wetherspoons at Liverpool St station. A load of Sheffield Wednesday fans were drinking outside, which was rather bizarre seeing as they were playing at Peterborough United ... and not until after 5pm! A lesbian couple became the first people to request photos with us, as opposed to just taking them (manners cost nothing!). The South African barmaid serving Macleod (M) thought that he had come dressed as Worzel Gummidge! Disgusted, he pointed to N O D D Y written across his knuckles and demanded she guess again. "Noddy Gummidge?" Classic! :-D

^^^ Stock 'yer actual culture, innit' photo. Borat would spill a can of G - down his tie and also onto the train carriage floor - shortly after we had passed New Upton Park. He would make a great bartender ... NOT!

^^^ As has become customary on a KSG away day, we were greeted by the fuzz on our exit from the station. These particular officers were handing out leaflets on how to negate the risk of vehicle theft. One stopped Borat and - completely straight-faced - started giving advice in a thick Brummie accent ("Lock your doors, basically"). I expected the others to take a photo. Alas. Fortunately they didn't make the same mistake later in the day when Borat was stopped by a God-botherer on Billericay High St. "What do you pray for?" the man from Kazakhstan was asked. The Puna Stand, obviously.

^^^ We had been advised to avoid the pubs closest to the station (the Railway and the Crown) and instead start our crawl at the Blue Boar. As we were led to believe, this was an(other) above-average Wetherspoons. No photos of it's light and airy interior, regrettably, but I do have one of Hulk Hogan at a urinal. There was Corfu Ionian Coffee Porter on draught (at a very reasonable £2.15 a pint). We should've tried some ... but we didn't. #fail

^^^ Pub #2. The Chequers. Best of the bunch. We sat outside. Wally ordered some food. If his Doctor is reading, I can confirm that he didn't eat any of the crisps. Honest! The skirt in the top left-hand corner of this photo seemingly typical of the clothes - or lack thereof - worn by the average Essex female.

^^^ Next stop was the Red Lion. Fair to middling. Again, a urinal photo rather than one of the pub itself! Like the LCG, the MMS were conspicuous by their absence. Probably saving themselves for today's big Reading game. "One team in Berkshire" etc., etc.

^^^ A call from Stef Napoleon and a rendezvous with the stragglers across the road in the White Hart (second only to the Chequers, IMO). Best Of Bowie, incidentally, has been on heavy rotation in the car of late and - as I write - the following songs make up my Top 5: 

1. Modern Love
3. Queen Bitch (although, criminally, this isn't on the Best Of)
4. Changes
5. Life On Mars?

^^^ "Two Noddy Holders, there's only two Noddy Holders ... " :-D

^^^ The Rising Sun. Meh. Coxy Fernando Alonso wanted a game of pool. No deal.

^^^ 10 minute or so walk to the ground. Sun still shining at this point. Several cars tooted their horns. Not nearly enough, though.

^^^ Anyone for lawn tennis?

^^^ A lengthy 'Olé! Die Super Maidenhead', then a rather decent half pounder and chips, brought the first period to a close as rain began to fall (quite heavily). Billericay had scored the game's only goal, Chris Flood had somehow managed to miss - Rocky Baptiste-esque - from barely two yards out and David Pratt had worked hard. Some other on-pitch stuff also happened, but hardly anyone was paying much attention.

^^^ Borat - renowned broadcast journalist that he is - managed to confirm the following during the interval: 

1. Mark Nisbet would have played if necessary
2. Alex Wall is tall
3. Harry Pritchard's apparent injury was not - repeat, not - caused by too much hand-party

^^^ I might write to Luton Town and offer them free usage of this image as Wall's profile pic on their website.

^^^ Classy. Drax should demand his own personalised plate when he gets the next upgrade on the Toureg. J0HN50N H1PP0LYT3

^^^ While the game was going on as well. Disgraceful.

^^^ As Harold Steptoe might say ...

^^^ Second half. Wally made a reasonable stab at leading us through some of the 72 Maidenhead United chants that he knows (or knew). Some generic/ old ('A group of blokes from M@rl*w', 'Cheer up Dennis Greene', 'Oh Logic pulled', 'We remember Histon') and some current/ more relevant ('Behzadi - he's the Daddy', 'Dereck Brown's my Grandad', 'Nisbet scored at King's Lynn', 'Wild - give us a wave' etc.). Borat also led a conga around the entire ground. Whilst this was going on, some oiks ran off with the MUFC union flag. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that it was in jest. Regardless, the Youth had retrieved the stolen item in next to no time. Shame on those Magpie fans, though, who stood back and watched it get swiped. Cloughie, no doubt, is proud of you. Some other on-pitch stuff also happened, but hardly anyone was paying much attention.

^^^ Flash Gordon or Wonder Woman?
(impressive clubhouse, BTW)

^^^ The Grim Reaper or a hostage?
< insert 'watching Maidenhead United is torture' gag here >

^^^ Fidel Castro or a jihadist about to make a video listing his demands in order to secure the safe release of aforementioned hostage? (SHOE BOMB ARMY)

^^^ "Rub your hands all over my body!"

^^^ Those supporters of the opinion that Jonathan Hippolyte needs to bulk up can rest assured; if his choice of drink - Guinness - for the journey home is anything to go by then he is now on the famed supporters' diet. Never fails!

^^^ Yewtree sting operation?

^^^ "The HBOS story is one of catastrophic failures of management" ... can you guess which High St bank Wally works - as a manager - for? ;-) 

My phone ran out of juice shortly after this photo was taken. Probably for the best, otherwise this post would take about a week to write and nearly as long to read! Needless to say we crawled it back to the station (going in the Crown this time - not too bad), started a mass sing-song (Merry Xmas Everybody!) on a packed tube train and argued amongst ourselves re Ebbsfleet/ 'Maidenhead United family club' (debate not started by your's truly, I hasten to add, as - believe me - I am thoroughly bored of that topic) before further drinks in the Anchor (thanks for the round, Landlord Joe), the Rose and then Smokey's (thanks to Vinny C - my ex-workmate and former Maidenhead United reserve team player - for helping recover Borat's sunglasses from some cheeky blonde sort).

To conclude, then, the day can be summed up by paraphrasing Borat's (much photographed) sign:


High fiiive!

PS. Photo Addendum HERE

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