"As for Maidenhead, the conga (which was amusing) aside, quite a strange bunch really – some the oddest chants I've ever heard at a football match" ~ localboy86, Amber Planet forum, 26th April 2015

Sunday 28 April 2013

Away Day Diary: Billericay Town 1-0 Maidenhead United (27/04/13)

Fancy Dresslemania XIII

^^^ "He does what he wants!"

There was a moment yesterday - as we walked in light rain from Lancaster Gate to Paddington - when I remarked to Macleod (M) that it'd been another great day out in fancy dress. "Meh" was his (paraphrased) response. I was somewhat surprised by this. But, on reflection, I understand what he was getting at. After 13 consecutive years of going in costume to the last away game of the season, it is hard not to become a little blasé and engulfed by a sense of 'seen-it-all-before' complacency. 

We really shouldn't take things for granted, though.

Did we have a great day? Absolutely.

Did the KSG excel with their costumes? Of course.

Could I have written this blog post in advance? Pretty much.

Is the Pope Catholic?

Do bears sh!t in the woods?

Does the Maidenhead United chairman know his football?


Here goes nothing ...

^^^ Not unlike last year, an early start meant that we gave the 'walk of shame' a miss. Another tradition was maintained, however, as Macleod (C) Hulk Hogan posed in front of the 'Three' billboard outside Maidenhead train station (other mobile network providers are available). No sign of the LCG. Poor show.

^^^ Mama Weer All Crazee Now

^^^ More than 10 'likes' on Facebook in as many minutes. Very niiice!

^^^ Before a journey on the Bakerloo line - the Circle, you won't be surprised to learn, wasn't running - we spotted the Stig, a Mexican, and a Sheik at Ealing Broadway, accompanying a group of replica shirt-wearing Hayes & Yeading fans to their game at Hornchurch. I have since read about Dover fans congaing in fancy dress at Bromley. Good on them (and I don't mean that to sound condescending. OK, maybe it is. Just a little!)

^^^ Beers at Hamilton Hall. A load of Sheffield Wednesday fans were drinking outside, which was a bit strange as they were playing at Peterborough United ... and not until after 5pm! A lesbian couple became the first to request photos with us rather than just taking them (manners cost nothing!). The South African barmaid serving Macleod (M) thought he had come dressed as Worzel Gummidge! Disgusted, he pointed to N O D D Y written across his knuckles and demanded that she guess again. "Noddy Gummidge?" Classic! :-D

^^^ Stock photo of 'yer actual culture, innit'. Borat would spill a can of G - down his tie and onto the train carriage floor - shortly after we had passed New Upton Park. He would make a great bartender. NOT!

^^^ On our exit from the station, we were greeted by the fuzz. It has become customary on a KSG away day. These particular officers were handing out leaflets advising how to negate the risk of vehicle theft. One stopped Borat and - completely straight-faced - started advising in a thick Brummie accent ("Lock your doors, basically"). I expected the others to take a photo. Alas. Fortunately, they didn't make the same mistake later in the day when Borat was stopped by a God-botherer on Billericay High St. "What do you pray for?" he asked the man from Kazakhstan. The Puna Stand.

^^^ The advice had been to avoid the pubs closest to the station (the Railway and the Crown): instead, start our crawl at the Blue Boar. As expected, this was an(other) above-average Wetherspoons. Regrettably, no photos of its light and airy interior, but I do have one of Hulk Hogan at a urinal. Corfu Ionian Coffee Porter on draught (at a very reasonable £2.15 a pint). We should've tried some, but we didn't. #fail

^^^ Pub #2. The Chequers. The best of the bunch. We sat outside. Wally ordered some food. If his Doctor is reading, I can confirm that he didn't eat any crisps. Honest! The skirt in the top left-hand corner of this photo is seemingly typical of the clothes - or lack thereof - worn by the average Essex female.

^^^ Next stop was the Red Lion. Fair to middling. Again, a urinal photo rather than one of the pub! Like the LCG, the MMS were conspicuous by their absence. Saving themselves, no doubt, for today's big Reading game. "One team in Berkshire!" etc.

^^^ A call from Stef Napoleon and a rendezvous with the stragglers across the road in the White Hart (second only to the Chequers, IMO). Best Of Bowie, incidentally, has been on heavy rotation in the car of late, and - as I write - the following songs make up my Top 5: 

1. Modern Love
3. Queen Bitch (although, criminally, this isn't on the Best Of)
4. Changes
5. Life On Mars?

^^^ "Two Noddy Holders, there's only two Noddy Holders ... " :-D

^^^ The Rising Sun. Meh. Coxy Fernando Alonso wanted a game of pool. No deal.

^^^ 10-minute or so walk to the ground. The sun was still shining at this point. Several cars tooted their horns. Not nearly enough, though.

^^^ Anybody for lawn tennis?

^^^ A lengthy 'Olé! Die Super Maidenhead', then a decent half-pounder and chips, brought the first period to a close as the rain began to fall (quite heavily). Billericay had scored the game's only goal, Chris Flood had somehow managed to miss - Rocky Baptiste-esque - from barely two yards out, and David Pratt had worked hard. Some other on-pitch stuff also happened, but hardly anyone was paying much attention.

^^^ Borat - the renowned broadcast journalist that he is - managed to confirm the following during the interval: 

1. Mark Nisbet would have played if necessary
2. Alex Wall is tall
3. Harry Pritchard's apparent injury was not - repeat, not - caused by too much hand-party

^^^ I might write to Luton Town and offer them free usage of this image as Wall's profile pic on their website.

^^^ Classy. Drax should demand his own personalised plate when he gets the next upgrade on the Toureg. J0HN50N H1PP0LYT3

^^^ While the game was going on as well. Disgraceful.

^^^ As Harold Steptoe might say ...

^^^ Second half. Wally made a reasonable stab at leading us through some of the 72 Maidenhead United chants that he knows (or knew). Some generic/ old ('A group of blokes from M@rl*w', 'Cheer up Dennis Greene', 'Oh Logic pulled', 'We remember Histon') and some current/ more relevant ('Behzadi - he's the Daddy', 'Dereck Brown's my Grandad', 'Nisbet scored at King's Lynn', 'Wild - give us a wave' etc.). Borat also led a conga around the entire ground. During this, some oiks ran off with the MUFC union flag. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that it was jesting. Regardless, the Youth retrieved the stolen item in next to no time. However, shame on those Magpie fans who stood back and watched it get swiped. Cloughie, no doubt, is proud of you. Some other on-pitch stuff also happened, but hardly anyone was paying much attention.

^^^ Flash Gordon or Wonder Woman?
(Impressive clubhouse, BTW.)

^^^ The Grim Reaper or a hostage?
< insert 'watching Maidenhead United is torture' gag here >

^^^ Fidel Castro or a jihadist about to make a video listing his demands to secure the safe release of the aforementioned hostage? (SHOE BOMB ARMY)

^^^ "Rub your hands all over my body!"

^^^ Those supporters of the opinion that Jonathan Hippolyte needs to bulk up can rest assured; if his choice of drink - Guinness - for the journey home is anything to go by, then he is now on the famed supporters' diet. Never fails!

^^^ Yewtree sting operation?

^^^ "The HBOS story is one of catastrophic failures of management" ... can you guess which High Street Bank Wally works as a manager?! ;-)

My phone ran out of juice shortly after this photo - probably for the best. Otherwise, this post would take about a week to write and nearly as long to read! We crawled it back to the station (going in the Crown this time - not too bad), started a mass sing-song (Merry Xmas Everybody!) on a packed tube train, and argued amongst ourselves (*rolls eyes*) re Ebbsfleet/ 'Maidenhead United family club'. More drinks in the Anchor (thanks for the round, Landlord Joe), the Rose, and then Smokey's (thanks to Vinny C - my ex-workmate and former Maidenhead United reserve team player - for helping recover Borat's sunglasses from some cheeky blonde sort).

To conclude, then, the day can be summed up by paraphrasing Borat's (much-photographed) sign:


High fiiive!

P.S. Photo Addendum HERE

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